I couldn't sleep last night. The thoughts in my head were like running stallions; it was running wild. It was probably because of my upcoming conference presentation and other things that are out of my control.
That was when I realized that for almost 10 years (ever since I stepped out of home and lived on my own), I never really learned to be still. My mind was constantly working from morning to night, even when I tried to sleep it was still thinking of 10001 things, be it the kiddos in school, how some of the kiddos have issues I can't solve, worrying about how my paper presentation will come out; whether it would come out a disaster or would it be helpful to those coming to listen... and also, overanalysing certain things people say (why do I always have this worse case scenario mindset, always so fearful and worried) when in reality, it isn't as bad as my madly imaginative mind makes it to be.
Not being able to sleep and borderline panicking, I drove out of the house and stopped by my favourite park. I walked in a very fast pace... then I felt a tugging on my heart to sit down. I wanted to pray and talk to God, but all I got in my spirit was, "Be still. Stop talking. Feel."
And so, I obeyed. I just... learned to feel. I sat down on the soft green grass and stared at the slow-moving lake. At that moment, I began to feel things that I have never felt before. This crazy supernatural peace that I have never experienced before. I could hear the crickets whispering to each other. I felt the wind's embrace, ever so calming and comforting. I could smell the fragrant scent of some white flowers and I realized how beautiful the purple flowers were.
I looked up to the sky and saw a cloud shaped like a strong man reaching out to a bunch of bright pink clouds. The cloud shaped like a strong man was grey, with a tint of pink but mostly dark. But slowly, when the two clouds combined, the grey clouds seemed to brighten up a bit. When I saw this, it told me a story of someone who's has quite a lot of dark clouds in their life reaching out to someone with a very bright and joyful spirit, and that both of them were able to compliment each other and later, become a gorgeous cloud that looked like a pride of lions running on the field. It spoke to me, somehow. Maybe I was here to be that bright presence in someone's life out there. I always thought I wanted to have that sunshine in my life, but maybe if I want it, I should be it first. :)
What even is this feeling of stillness and peace, I can't even imagine or decipher. But what I do know is, when I got up and drove back home, I felt much peace and assurance.
I came home and had a smile on my face, ready to conquer the day ahead.
This bible verse rings true this day for me:
Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
Have a fruitful and winning Thursday, everyone! :) Thank you for taking your time to read my rambles.
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