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Day (?) - To be honest I cannot recall anymore.

 Hey.

Its been 3 weeks since we took off from social media. Pretty proud of my progress so far! :) 

I've been spending more time learning on YouTube and also, listening to new songs. I am doing my best to finish up my work and focusing on things and people that matter. 

It's Saturday today and I was the emcee for our youth service today. I was panicking throughout the service as I wasn't clear on what was happening and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Besides the technical team, no one really cheered me on or talked to me, even though they knew that I was an emcee. The person who eventually encouraged me in the end was the most unlikely person and I wasn't even close to them. 

After the service, we had a debrief and had dinner over our Zoom call. We played a game that one of our friends planned out a quiz for everyone to get to know each other. However, I felt a strong sense of hostility and sarcasm throughout the call, still not feeling like I was part of the group. It didn't feel genuine. It felt like people were just talking amongst themselves. I felt sidelined and I couldn't fit in. I guess the desire to be accepted and to gel into the community was really strong but I just couldn't fit in. 

The only saving grace was the people who stayed on the call to the end and chatted. I was thankful that our pastor spent time to talk to us, even though he had things to do. To be very honest, I am on the verge of wanting to leave. I honestly hate it. I need time to think about whether I should still stay in the ministry. I need time to consider if this was truly where I wanted to stay and grow. 

I can't continue in a place whereby people are not genuine and because of their own insecurities, they channel it on other people by laughing amongst themselves. 

I hope I will never grow to become the ones that I do not like. 

I also listened to Jae's livestream on Twitch today. I could really feel his passion to want to see change. I really wished that I could give him a hug. I hope that I get to support people in any way I can. 

You helped me heal, and I really hope you'll get better, soon. 

Love, Rachu.

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