I'm extremely afraid of the unknown. I have a crippling fear of it. But wait, who doesn't? (at least, in the beginning)
And btw, if you know me, I overthink. I overthink, a little too much.
I worry about whether I switched off the wifi at home after I reach my workplace.
I worry that I forget my car keys when I leave the house.
I worry about what people will think of me, whether they would think that I am too overly friendly or too pushy or just downright making them feel uncomfortable because they don't really want to talk to me. Or if I was being too unkind to them with my words and probably have hurt their feelings.
Basically, I overthink when I cannot see what is in the dark. I wish I could be in control of the things that happened in my life, but I know its not in my hands.
But as I reflect, I recall what the good doctor once said to me, "I think embrace the unknown. It will make you wiser and advance faster than others." To me, this was a very profound message as I was always afraid of the unknown.
Its like how I was afraid of walking in the ocean. A few months ago, a bunch of colleagues and I went to Pulau Perhentian for a short trip. We went snorkelling. But a huge part of me was afraid to get into the water because I am generally afraid of not being able to step on the ground when I am in water. I was afraid that I would drown. (I had a drowning episode when I was 8 years-old, embarrassing story hahaha) But one of my friends just jumped into the water and swam right to the middle of the ocean and called out to me, "RACHEL, COME! GOT NEMO! (clownfish)"
In my heart, I was contemplating. That fear crippled me. But if you know me, I am super oxymoronic when it comes to adventurous things. I am afraid of heights, yet I go bungee jumping; My legs turn into noodles when I go on the Flying Fox apparatus, but yet I still enjoy it. So, I decided to do what I usually do: just go even when I am afraid.
So I went. I had my life jacket on, so I didn't sink. I was able to enjoy the beauty of the (almost destroyed) reef and the sapphire blue sea.
When I think about it, it has always been my life philosophy to just have a go at things. One of the things I do that many wouldn't really agree with is how I am very blunt with how I feel, especially when it comes to the people I like or dislike. I can draw a balance, depending on who I meet, but I am generally either a yes or no person. I guess that's why some people like me or dislike me; I can't please everyone.
If I like something or someone, I wouldn't hesitate to tell the world that I do. And in fact, I won't hesitate in letting the people/person that I like know that I do. But that's the thing, not everyone is fond of my directness. If you know me, I am someone who has a HIGH tolerance for bullshit and sometimes, I am too nice to people that may not deserve it too. (but I have gotten better at this, I promise) And when I say that, if I love people, I tolerate the worst parts of them by telling myself that there's always a reason why people behave the way they do. I try to reason it out and you know, try to embrace people for who they are and how they were designed to be.
Again, one of the philosophies I adhere to is that it is better to have tried than to not try and later regret it and say 'I should've done that.' when you had the chance to do it.
I would rather have told people that I like that I like them and would like to get to know them than to hide behind a facade and pretend like I don't. If I love, I love deeply and give generously. You get it all. I don't give discount voucher, hehe. I will do everything in my ability to help you, even if it means that I might have to suffer a little bit, but its okay.
But sometimes, and most of the time, life isn't that straightforward. Even with my very gancheong spider (somewhat jittery and panicky) character, I need to tell myself that things will take time to flow and grow. I cannot push my expectations on others and make them adhere to my standards or move with my pace. I have to adapt to their pace. If our paces align, I guess we can move forward. If not, its okay. We can still be friends, if the person is keen.
I want to live life knowing that there are no regrets. I want to try the food that I have never tried; visit the places I have never visited before and the list goes on. I want to show the people I love that I love them, with full force. I want to let the person I like know how I feel and how much they have inspired me to become a better person. I want to hang out with them and have a cuppa tea or some Kopi-O or something.
I guess, TLDR, embrace the unknown. Dive into it. With your life jacket, it will be okay. Even if you don't see corals, at least you saw the sapphire blue sea.
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