Hey.
I worked really late last night, writing my script for TV. Do you remember that I told you about it? Haha. I think I did quite okay. I still have quite a lot of work to finish but I think I'm doing quite okay.
I've been watching a lot of standup lately, most of them Asian-American stand up comedians like Nigel Ng, Jimmy O. Yang and my absolute favourite, Ali Wong. I finished two of her stand up specials and her movie, Always be My Maybe, which also stars Randall Park.
I looked at Randall Park's character, Marcus Kim and think to myself, damn, I am also quite like that. Still too scared to move on from a lot of things in life. I want to chase a lot of things but I... just have no guts to do it.
I have always been someone who does my level best to chase my dreams and fight for the things and people I love and want to be with, but somehow this time, when it was you, I started to lose my hope and faith in a lot of things.
The thing is, I know that in one way or another, you do listen to what I always say to you, in small ways or big ways, I really don't know. You know how I love to see you dressed up in suits, but my favourite jacket on you is that old man jacket that you wore during camp. That's how I remember you the best. The night when I fed you chocolate, was also the night that (I later learned) that you were not interested and was probably already interested in someone else.
Every time I try to let go of you, I go back to our conversations and how you made me feel. You changed how I behaved and how I talked to people; you taught me how to manage different situations in a more mature manner. You made time for me even though you had your things to do. (well, who is that busy, come on let's be real) I realised that every time I would sit around and cry for no reason, its because I missed you so much, but I couldn't tell you because I was (and am still afraid) you wouldn't like me back.
We met at a strange time, a time of the pandemic. I miss your stupid jokes, how you would flame and roast me with your stupid wit; I miss your scowl (oddly enough), I miss how you made me feel safe when you were there because I knew you had it all in control. I miss how you would smile and greet me at camp. I miss you; I miss you so much.
But to be honest, you also brought me so much pain. I may never ever hear how you actually feel on the other side, but to be honest, I wish I knew what I really meant to you. It would mean a lot if you could just tell me, "Hey, I don't like you that way." It could've helped me to move on better and faster. I would'nt even keep on lying to myself that I may still stand a single chance.
I miss you, I really do. No matter how much I try to push you away from my thoughts, you're still there.
I miss you. I really do. Maybe, you'll always just be my maybe. But I just want to be where you are. I wanna be there when you're an asshole. I wanna be there to make you laugh and roll your eyes. I want to be there with you when you brag about your spreadsheets. I just want to be where you are.
Love, Rachu.
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