Musings

Hey. So for the past 3 weeks, I've been able to get off social media with much success. I was pretty glued to it, to be honest. I only sign in to Instagram probably once a week, just to check on some posts and updates on selected individuals or groups I like. (ie: Jae, day6. They are giving me a lot of joy these days.) Little to my own knowledge, I have actually been listening to their songs when they first debuted in 2015 but I didn't pay much attention to them as I was still a Super Junior Stan (well, I still am) and I preferred to  listen to J-rock and English songs too, besides a handful of Kpop songs I used to enjoy.  I had time to reflect more in the past few weeks during the extended CMCO. I thought about it and felt that some of the people I used to think were really passionate people, to be very honest, they aren't. Maybe I don't know them well enough but in retrospect, it feels like they are just doing things for the sake of doing it. You know, just going thro...

 Hey. Its been 3 weeks since we took off from social media. Pretty proud of my progress so far! :)  I've been spending more time learning on YouTube and also, listening to new songs. I am doing my best to finish up my work and focusing on things and people that matter.  It's Saturday today and I was the emcee for our youth service today. I was panicking throughout the service as I wasn't clear on what was happening and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Besides the technical team, no one really cheered me on or talked to me, even though they knew that I was an emcee. The person who eventually encouraged me in the end was the most unlikely person and I wasn't even close to them.  After the service, we had a debrief and had dinner over our Zoom call. We played a game that one of our friends planned out a quiz for everyone to get to know each other. However, I felt a strong sense of hostility and sarcasm throughout the call, still not feeling like I was part of the gr...

Hey. I think I no longer feel anything for you anymore. I think I don't. I do no feel anymore butterflies when I see you on screen. I no longer care if you appear on screen or not. I think the 2 week hiatus from social media really helped me to get over you and really delete you from my hard drive, for good.  However, during this season, I would need to say thank you to a few people. I put the blog under private for now, but one day I will put it back on public once I meet the right person that will make it all feel better again. I wanna thank whoever who created Kpop, honestly, because it has allowed me to heal in so many ways that no one else can help me to.  I am thankful for the OG Kpop group I stanned, Super Junior. Thank you for making my college days so colourful. Your concert was one of my favourite memories in life.  But for the recent few weeks of getting off social media, I am most thankful to have discovered a few Korean musicians and individuals that have des...

Hey.  I worked really late last night, writing my script for TV. Do you remember that I told you about it? Haha. I think I did quite okay. I still have quite a lot of work to finish but I think I'm doing quite okay.  I've been watching a lot of standup lately, most of them Asian-American stand up comedians like Nigel Ng, Jimmy O. Yang and my absolute favourite, Ali Wong. I finished two of her stand up specials and her movie, Always be My Maybe , which also stars Randall Park.  I looked at Randall Park's character, Marcus Kim and think to myself, damn, I am also quite like that. Still too scared to move on from a lot of things in life. I want to chase a lot of things but I... just have no guts to do it.  I have always been someone who does my level best to chase my dreams and fight for the things and people I love and want to be with, but somehow this time, when it was you, I started to lose my hope and faith in a lot of things.  The thing is, I know that in one ...

They laughed at her 'misfortune' Although she knew they meant no harm And it was just playful banter However Deep inside She still felt the piercing pain But it couldn't really be felt She couldn't cry She tried But she never ever wept. She could never cry Because she didn't really lose anything Anything, but her own pride But he was always kind Somehow, she felt that he knew He always knew, but he chose to keep her that dignity And allow her to move on gradually. The thing is She still feels it She still can't get over it She's still dealing with it She's still trying to accept it She's glad that he's still part of her life He always will be She adamantly chooses to believe He means the world to her But it was still too much to bear She still appreciates every detail Every recognition Every encouragement Everything... there. She knows that she will one day need to lay these feelings to rest But he'll al...

What I'm about to say might make sense to some, might trigger some, might not mean anything to some. Just read it with a grain of salt. As much I respect your views and value them, I hope you also respond respectfully too. Be kind with your words, please. I wrote this with a brain on drugs. (flu and throat infection drugs, that is. Hahahaha) It's day 6 of the new year and also, the second week of the school year. Yeay to surviving the first week, although I am still in a complete blur state, even after 5 years of teaching (I am now in my sixth) whilst having to manage a lot of minor admin work and juggling with emotions and other shenanigans that are part of my daily waltz. Speaking of which, the realm of education in Malaysia has been plagued with all sorts of happenings that in my opinion, were blown out of proportion and are not priorities to begin with. If you look at them collectively, it is mostly a bunch of wannabes who have no proper proof or reason to argue over a ...

2019 has been an amazing year of ups and downs. But most importantly, 2019 has been a year of meeting really inspiring and encouraging individuals, who have changed how I view the world and have challenged me to renew my mind and to see things from a different perspective. Its 10 days before Christmas. I figured I should write a post to talk about the 10 people who made a huge impact on my life this year. The list is in no particular order. 1. The Youthful Yoongs, Dr Dave and Sue-Anne I first met Dr David Yoong in his discourse analysis class in 2018. I was awkward throughout and hated his guts for the first nine weeks. But I slowly learned how passionate he is about what he was doing and it inspired me to want to take up discourse analysis for my final research. Fast forward, I am so thankful to have met this wise beyond his years supervisor of mine who not only inspired me to take up discourse analysis for my research, he also in one way or another, challenged me to take m...

I couldn't sleep last night. The thoughts in my head were like running stallions; it was running wild. It was probably because of my upcoming conference presentation and other things that are out of my control. That was when I realized that for almost 10 years (ever since I stepped out of home and lived on my own), I never really learned to be still. My mind was constantly working from morning to night, even when I tried to sleep it was still thinking of 10001 things, be it the kiddos in school, how some of the kiddos have issues I can't solve, worrying about how my paper presentation will come out; whether it would come out a disaster or would it be helpful to those coming to listen... and also, overanalysing certain things people say (why do I always have this worse case scenario mindset, always so fearful and worried) when in reality, it isn't as bad as my madly imaginative mind makes it to be. Not being able to sleep and borderline panicking, I drove out of the ...

I'm extremely afraid of the unknown. I have a crippling fear of it. But wait, who doesn't? (at least, in the beginning) And btw, if you know me, I overthink. I overthink, a little too much. I worry about whether I switched off the wifi at home after I reach my workplace.  I worry that I forget my car keys when I leave the house. I worry about what people will think of me, whether they would think that I am too overly friendly or too pushy or just downright making them feel uncomfortable because they don't really want to talk to me. Or if I was being too unkind to them with my words and probably have hurt their feelings. Basically, I overthink when I cannot see what is in the dark. I wish I could be in control of the things that happened in my life, but I know its not in my hands. But as I reflect, I recall what the good doctor once said to me, "I think embrace the unknown. It will make you wiser and advance faster than others." To me, this ...

You beautiful being With deep eyes that speak a thousand things You beautiful being Speak wisdom and wondrous things You beautiful being Kindness oozes from your very soul You beautiful being Strings words together like a melody You beautiful being Always listens attentively You beautiful being Gentle like a dove You beautiful being A smile that lights up a gloomy street You beautiful being So far away, but one day we'll surely meet

Life. Maybe beautiful. Sometimes very frail. Means something else to you. Makes a little sense to me, sometimes. Problems happens in life, like it or not. Blame ourself, we do, and we tear ourselves apart. But love, know this: you are not alone, ever. There are those who doubt you, made you feel sad. Sometimes, you beat yourself up, trying to meet with societal standards. Listen, darling, you are important; listen, darling, you have made a difference. Yes, you matter. No, its not true that you are not good enough. Be still, silence the voices; listen, you are real, and yes, you matter, yes. Don't be strong alone. We are here. We believe. You matter, you matter, you matter! Love never gives up. You matter, and we believe in you.

I dream of... Roaming free in a vast, green meadow, Enjoying the embrace of the morning sun, Lying in the grass, just like how they do in the movies Full of joy, full of life. Small dreams, big dreams. They consume my mind They keep my heart racing They make me hunger for the future things to come. To be a bridge of communication between the nations To be the listening ear and warm embrace to those who are hurting To be the one who gives someone a ray of hope, that they are amount to something. To be... someone who makes an impact in another person's world. How can I get there? When will I get there? What can I do to get there? Who can help me get there? They say don't just dream Go, do something about it It is so uncertain, all my insides start to turn In my head, yet so far away. Will I always be here? Can I go where my heart wants to go? Is it even possible to go this far? Will I ever... go the distance? This love for life This love for advent...

The same staircase, the same grey carpeted floor, The same long red benches, the same pulpit, The same faces, but unfamiliar, just a few. The right-sided benches, a living memory, Of my youth with my friends, in our young, naive teens. We would gather round, on the top right side, Exchanging breath mints, whispering quietly. Though the same place, but such an unfamiliarly familiar place. More than 10 years, never changed, Still the same interpreter, still the same musicians, same preacher, No change. Wish I could come back and stay again, But even though I once knew you, you are now a stranger I wish I knew. Not ungrateful, not forgetful, My childhood and teens was built here. Always thankful for all that's been, But afraid I am, it's time to leave, Thank you for all you've done for me. I wish you well, I wish you the best. Thank you and good bye, I pray you find rest.

Lonely, insignificant washing machine, Washes the clothes and bedsheets clean, Working tirelessly day by day, Alone, tired and always in pain. Never complains, just loves, she does, the washing machine was fair and just, washing every shirt and dress, down to tiny socks and pants. Curious I was about the machine, I snuck out one night and took a peek, I thought it was the washing machine, Wrong I was, oh yes, it seems. Sitting on a little stool, Scrubbing, rinsing and wringing the clothes, It was mother, messy hair and all, Washing my mischief and the mud from the park. My mother is my washing machine, truly she is, she is more than that, it seems. Faithful, loving, gracious and bright, Mother always loves to smile. Once when I was a little girl I wanted fried chicken and she said, 'To KFC we go!' We ordered a snack plate for RM5 I ate the flesh but she ate the bones. When I was a teen, I was really rude, I slammed the door and shouted, 'I HAT...

Through the night, I walk abreast in the midnight breeze. Walking down the streets, feeling the wind on my skin. I realized how long I've been working, not having any rest; just toiling and toiling, never really went out to see the sunset. As I went for a walk around the neighbourhood, I could smell the fragrance from the mango trees, its pretty flowers dancing in the smiling sunrays, glorious, graceful and magnificent. I never knew such beauty, or maybe I did; After so long of being shut in a place of darkness, pressure and pain, its about time I stepped out to join the rain. I could feel the rain drops fall on my skin; such a gentle touch, a whisper from the wind. The coolness warms my heart, I wonder when it will ever stop. I close my eyes, embracing the sights, the sounds and the loving caress of the cool waters. Lay down in bed at ten minutes to one, my wandering thoughts, stay, be still, stay calm; I stare at the ceiling, imagining the stars twinkling so brigh...